So I think I could call myself a relationship expert if I would care even a little bit about stupid titles like that, but it is a fact that me and my boyfriend have been together for more than five years now. We live together and therefore accepted a lot of things about each other and set up priorities about our life together. Here are some things that didn’t make that list:
1. Eat at the table
I already made food and contained myself from eating it while cooking it, so don’t expect me to sit like we’re in a restaurant and have an hour to slowly nibble on it. Let’s be honest, all we really want is curl up on the couch and catch up on The Big Bang Theory or watch some old Futurama.
2. Shave legs regularly
I’m a human being with hair in all kinds of parts of my body. This may sound gross, but hey, everybody is like this you guys. Unless you had laser hair removal or you are some kind hairless being and you are the next step in evolution to a hairless kinda freaky, kinda awesome creature, you are going to have body hair. Accept it and move along.
I don’t have time to shave it regularly, so you get used to a little winter time leg hair.
3. Do my hair / full make up
If we’re hanging out at home all day, don’t expect me to curl it. Or style it. Or comb it. Or fuck, even wash it. Because you know what, it is actually good for your hair to not wash it like 4 times a week. Make up is the same.
4. Do my / our bed
Like seriously, I’m not trying to impress you with my nicely done bed, especially if you sleep right next to me every night in that bed. Making the bed is a waste of time. We’re just gone mess it all up later in the day, if you know what I mean.
5. Act like I care about all your videogames
Don’t get me wrong, I really do like some of them. I also do play some of them with you, you know that. I could listen to the stories of any Fallout game for hours. But listening to the moves you did in Super Street Fighter just won’t take us anywhere at all. I don’t see the point. Oh, and please don’t show me the recordings of your matches. I’d rather use that time to make out on our undone bed.
6. Get dressed
I don’t see the point of putting myself into uncomfortable clothes when I’m at home. If you love me, I assume you want me to be comfortable. So sweatpants it is. Or even better, sometimes it’s just no pants. We all know you love no pants days.
7. Wash off my face mask
Now, I do want to be pretty, so I use face masks. I just mix up something from the things I find at home, like bananas and lemon, yogurt and honey, whatever. But while I’m wearing it and browsing the internet or – true story – write a blog post, I often forget to wash it off. Oh well, it really shouldn’t hurt that instead of 20 minutes, my mask was on for 45 maybe? I guess I should have checked the time when I actually put it on. Then you don’t have to walk in on me, sitting in front the computer with the nice white glow of the monitor being reflected off of my home made egg yolk face mask. Please don’t scream next time.
And now, because I don’t want everybody to think that I am some sorta disgusting savage, here are seven things that girls in relationships do have time for:
1. Cook you a homemade dinner. And breakfast. And lunch.
Because I love you.
2. Bake cookies and cakes
Because we love cookies.
3. Check your weird mole
Because melanoma is no joke.
4. Do laundry for you
Because I like when we have clean clothes.
5. Take showers with you
Because we both want you to smell nice. Also it’s good foreplay.
6. Take care of you when you’re sick
I guess no explanation needed here.
7. Tell you I love you
All day, every day.