When the pain leaves

I would like to start this post with a big shout-out to a really good writer, Christian Mihai. He was one of the first subscribers to my blog and he always inspires me to write. Sad coincidence that he has tooth problems, and so do I. Well actually I don’t have them anymore, because I had surgery, but I can absolutely relate to what he is going through right now. Go check out his blog, and show some love, maybe purchase his bundle, and help him out. http://cristianmihai.net/2014/02/23/a-life-without-pain/

He inspired today’s post.

 

First the pain just lingers around, you’re not even sure if you’re in pain, or just discomfort. You go along with your day, trying to forget about it, but it just keeps getting more and more noticeable. You try to lock it out, but it creeps into your thoughts.

,,I wonder what’s Jim Carrey doing nowadays. I heard something about a Dumb and Dumber reuniting. I wonder if his chipped tooth ever hurts. Man, my tooth hurts.Wow, my tooth hurts like hell.”

,,I guess I should make something to eat. Maybe something simple, a nice sandwich. Maybe I could put some cheese on it. And some pain. Yes, I’m gonna make a sandwich out of my pain. Put some misery on top of it, yeah, that’s it! I have so much pain it could feed a whole town. Fuck, I can’t even eat, my whole freaking jaw is in pain right now. Screw eating, I give up.”

And pretty soon it’s just pain. ,,Ouch, ouch, ouch, breath man, you forget to breath, genius! Oh, wow, breathing hurts also? That’s new…” ,,Pain, pain, pain, fuck, someone is talking to me, what did he say? Cool, now you look like an idiot in pain. Pain, pain, pain.”

You start to see the world through this fog. You see other people going with their life normally, and you can’t relate. And others can’t relate to you. They might say they do, but nobody wants to be in your shoe, of course. And that is cool. You wish to be somebody else too. They watch you going in circles and holding your face, and shake your leg, and that you started crying. Shit, when did I start to cry? I seriously can’t feel other than my pain. I became my pain.

You try meditating. Imagine your pain as a white ball of healing light. Imagine your pain as a black mass that you spit out and then burn it. Nothing works. The people you live with wake up to the sound of you hitting yourself. At least that’s what I did, I hit my hands, like I was about to kick someone ass. I’m gonna kick this pain’s ass. Nope, it kicked mine.

You can’t sleep. You are sooooooo tired, but you can’t sleep. At five am I give in and took a pain killer (not the first one). After another thirty minutes, I fell asleep. After fifteen lousy minutes of sleep, I woke up. The next day I didn’t feel tired at all. I just felt pain again. Without escape. Even with medication the pain only goes to a four maybe from a ten. And I felt relieved. In these windows of slightly less misery I slept.

In these five days (the pain started Friday, lasted until my surgery on Tuesday) I lost weight, did not smoke a single cigarette, did not eat or drink anything with sugar in it, probably overdosed on sea salt mouthwash and brushed my teeth like seriously thirty times or more. I guess I could stick to some of these things. But at least now it’s my choice.

When the doctor gave me the anaesthetic, the fog started to fade. Oh my, life started to be beautiful! Wow, look at all these colours! Wow, you can actually feel things again. Things like hope and happiness, and all those other things you thought you’d never feel again. You’re like you’re on drugs, but it’s only you getting back to normal. When the pain leaves you can be yourself again. Well, I’m myself again, minus a wisdom-tooth.

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